As I sit in my bed at home, listening to my mom update her best friend on my dad's condition, I think back on the last two days (what?! it's only been two days?!).
As I drove over to St. Louis Thursday after work, I was struck by fear. I was suddenly aware of how serious my dad's surgery was going to be Friday. I mean, why hadn't it clicked before that a surgery that was scheduled to be about 10 hours in length meant serious business. That he may never sound the same or be able to enjoy food the same way. I didn't want to fall asleep that night and finished crocheting my hat instead. I said that it was because I wanted to have it for the cool weather, but it was because I was afraid to fall asleep. I didn't want to leave that moment where my parents were sleeping together in their bed while I was safe and sound in mine. It was kind of the same feeling I had the night before my wedding.
As we sat in pre-op, I was comforted to know that my dad was in good hands. The surgeons were wonderful and cared and were humble. We waited and waited and finally they came out and said that they were happy with the way surgery went. They were feeling positive but wouldn't be able to know for sure if they had gotten all of the cancer for about a week until the pathology report came back...MORE WAITING!
By the time we were able to see Dad in the ICU, I decided to go back with Mom first. I didn't know what to expect....well, actually I did, but I didn't know how I'd handle it. There would be familiar equipment, but it would be connected to my dad. All I know is that I went into nurse mode while with my mom. She needed strength, I could provide it. I see Dad as both a patient and my family member. It was weird.
Through the night, I was my mom's strength. And I could pull it off...until I watched my dad take her face in his hand and look at her with so much love. Best part of my night...also because I knew he was done with sedation. I also slipped out of nurse mode when he did the same to me and winked saying, "I'm okay since you are here."
Today was the same. I was able to slip into nurse mode amongst familiar equipment and be strong when my mom needed. The only time I couldn't was when it was just me and Dad...for the first time. I didn't have to be strong and I cried. I think I'm behind everyone in the amount of anxiety and emotions expressed because I've been stoic for my mom. I think I'll catch up each night in bed for awhile because I can relax and think.
He's doing well and I am so excited. My parents love each other so much and I'm so blessed to be able to witness that. And my dad is awake, cracking jokes, and smiling at us. He even writes my mom love notes. :)
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